The Success of the Seeking

A text I just sent Seth a little bit ago talks about hitting things and yelling and crying and a desperate need for coffee ice cream and a fluffy bed. Ok so maybe I’m not the greatest at keeping the emotions steady and maybe (absolutely) exams are getting to me. And maybe, if we’re being terribly honest here, I really just want to have a good cry and throw a tantrum that could rival a 4 year old and try to justify it with ugly words like stress and anxiety and exhaustion. But, you see, God’s doing that thing where he keeps whispering truth. And a really big part of me just wants to yell and say ’no God, you don’t get it.’ And then I remember. Two thousand years ago, Jesus was in the garden before the soldiers came and took him away. I close my eyes and see him bent over, weeping out prayers, and sweating blood. My stress is nothing.

But I shake the image from my head, desperately wanting to justify my desire to complain, to justify my stress. ’Ok but God, why do you let me experience this? Why did you make me that I care so much about exams that I literally stress and study myself to sickness. Why did you make me like this.’

His answer cuts deep. ‘I did not make you to want a certain grade so badly or reach a certain accomplishment so desperately that you settle for what you are currently going through. Sweet child, that is what you are settling for by your own choice.’

And then the real root of it all quietly slips from lips. ‘I just want to be successful. And I want to be recognized for my success.’

My breath flows over my lips as I curl my knees to my chest. How desperately I want to be more like my Jesus and how intense the refining can be. I stay like this for a bit. Quiet. Tears shamelessly resting on cheeks. Lashes pointed down. The stress and anxiety grab at me as Christ begins pulling it away. I pull my knees a little tighter and the tears flow a little faster. I don’t want the areas of sin that hold me, grabbing and pulling, bruising, they hold so tight. I let them be pulled away. A quiet plea of ‘Jesus’ makes it out as my breath travels across tear streaked lips.

And so quickly, he overwhelms me with truth.

My daughter, do you not know what I made you for? I made you for worship. Even if you just seek me with the desire to worship, you have been more successful than any other accomplishment you may be recognized for. And because I created you to worship, I created this world to encourage worship. I wrote every single moment of your life to inspire worship. I wove worship into every event, every exam, every relationship. So daughter, will you be content with worship.

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